How The US Election Works
November 08, 2016 8:50 AM
As you may have read in some newspapers, this week marks the week that the week of the US election week occurs. If you are an American human then you will already know how the presidential election works, but for those of us on this side of the lake, things might not be quite so clear.
What Is The Election?
America used to be great but now it's not and everyone who lives there wants it to be great again so they've decided to get a new president. They only have two political parties there, one is called the democrats and the other is called the republicans and I think there are some others too but no one really cares about them and all/both of them want to be the next president of the United States.
All Americans over the age of 8 are required to vote and unlike the UK, if they don’t vote they are publicly shamed on an internet register of non-voters and a large red cross is painted on the front door of their house or apartment (American for flat). And some live in trailers but we call those caravans or static homes.
The people that they are voting for are called Hillary Clinton who is with the Democratic Party and Donald Trumps who is with the Republican Party. In case you don’t know who these people are, let me give you some educational background on who these people are.
Hillary is the sister of former US president Bill Clinton. The good thing about her being president is that she’s lived in the White House before so she knows her way around. Even if something really bad happened like in the movie Independence Day and there was a power cut, she’d still be able to find her way to the oval office without having to find some candles to light in the kitchen drawer.
Donald Trumps is actually his real name, it’s not a made up name even though it sounds like a cartoon character. He is a man with an orange face who is often described by people that describe things as a business man and he is Nigel Farage's brother-in-law. He’s like an American version of British billionaire and inventor of the telephone, Lord Sir Alan Sugar. Trumps isn’t like other billionaires though, he isn’t really that good at business. He just saved up all his pocket money his dad gave him and used it to set up Trump Towers which is an exciting adventure theme park like Alton Tower but it’s not in Alton, it’s in the city of New York City, so good they said city twice. Now he’s bored of being a business man so he wants to have a go at being president because he thinks that being a powerful president will mean he can grab the lady areas of many women including Barbara Bush and Priscilla Presley.
How Is The Winner Decided?
The actual election day of America is Thursday 8th November, which means that eligible voters (i.e people who are over 8-years-old, not in prison and if they're in a southern state, not gay) have to vote before the polls close at the end of the day. Once the polls close the work really begins, trusted officials from the big companies who fund Hillary's campaign will work tirelessly throughout the night to ensure that as many of the votes for Trumps as possible aren’t counted so that Hillary wins.
This is because most votes for Trumps will be done by either stupid people or as jokes because they don’t really like Hillary either because she used to be a criminal when back in the olden days she sent rude emails to Jay Leno.
No one really wants Trumps to win, he’s really only there in the final for comic relief and to get people talking about the election. It’s a trick the Americans learnt from British celebrity panel sitter, Simon Cowell. Simon knows better than anyone else how powerful a novelty finalists can be and it's a technique he's used many times to successfully gain press attention for his television show that is called The X Factor television show. That’s why in previous years there have been Jedward, Wagner and Olly Murs in the X Factor final. The UK is currently on high alert because of this year’s joke X Factor contestant who is called Honey G and is actually the mother of annoying child reality TV star, Honey Boo Boo.
By the time it's the middle of the night, enough votes should have been removed and it will be clear that Hillary has won, then a man in Ohio will leak the result to NBC News of America and everyone will get annoyed because they couldn’t have counted it all that quickly so how can they know? But then NBC will just say it was a test announcement to see how it will feel when they really announce that Hillary has won later.
Then later at about the time all of the US Americans have woken up and start to begin their daily routine with a plate of turkey, mashed potatoes and apple sauce, the real result will finally be revealed and Hillary Clinton will be the winner of the presidency.
What Happens Next?
A few hours later Donald Trumps will be sent to the Bridge Cafe and be forced to drink a really weak cup of tea from a plastic cup that costs about 0.1p when you buy them in bulk in a quantity of 1,000 or more. He’ll then be sent to Hawaii which isn’t really part of America so he won’t bother anyone there.
Meanwhile Hillary will be getting her prize, she gets to live in the White House for free with no rent or bills. The man who lives there at the moment is called Obama something, I don’t know his surname. The men in black will go around to the White House at about lunchtime and they’ll tell him he’s being evicted, they’ll then shine a torch in his eyes that will make him forget all about Area 51 and all the government's other secrets like how 9/11 didn’t really happen.
Then Hillary should have moved in by about 7 o’clock in the evening and can start thinking about how she’ll decorate the oval office and what new things she should do to make America great again.
Well, what can I say? My prediction was totally out of goose.
America, you've made your bed, now you must eat pie in it. Best of luck!
Photos: Tiny Bag Productions, BBC and Wikki Commons.
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