Christmas Jokes, Festive Puns & Holiday One-Liners

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December 01, 2017 6:00 AM ‐ Christmas

A list of the funniest and best jokes about Christmas and the holiday season, plus festive one-liners and the finest seasonal puns. Better than anything you'll find in any cracker this Christmas.

Christmas Reindeers
Q: Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?
A: They keep dropping their needles.

Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas?
No. You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us.
Christmas Meme

Q: Why was the snowman looking through the carrots in the supermarket?
A: He was picking his nose.

Q: How did Mary and Joseph know how much Jesus weighted when he was born?
A: They had a weigh in a manger.

Q: What's the most popular Christmas wine? 
A: I don't like Brussels sprouts!
"I went to by an advent calendar at my local supermarket today, they didn't have many in stock. Looks like their days are numbered. It didn't help that there was shoplifter running off with the last one, he got caught though. He got 25 days. Luckily, I managed to get one in the end, but I can't get the chocolates out. Foiled again."
Q: What do staff at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner?
A: About five minutes.

Q: Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year?
A: Theresa May.

Q: What happened when the snowman annoyed the snow-woman?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder.
Christmas Meme

Q: Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
A: Because he had a low elf esteem.

Q: Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws.
"I bought my mum Mary Berry's cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood's but he'd sold out. #GBBO🇬🇧🍰"
Q: What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
A: The elf-abet.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Christmas Meme

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A: Deep pan, crisp and even.

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: Tinsilitis.

Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
"Two snowmen were standing in a field. One turned to the other and said, "Can you smell carrots?""
Q: Why is Santa so jolly? 
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q: Why don't turkeys eat at Christmas?
A: Because they're always stuffed.
Christmas Meme

Q: Why did the Grinch ask the assistant for help in the liquor store?
A: He couldn't find the Christmas spirit.

Q: What's the difference between Santa's reindeers and a knight?
A: One slays a dragon and the other drags the slay.
"I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it."
Q: Where does Santa keep his money?
A: In a snow bank.

Q: How do you help someone who has lost the Christmas spirit?
A: Nurse them back to elf.
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