At the weekend I met up with a friend for a coffee at Camden Market in London. We passed by a psychic offering readings, my friend was very excited and decided to go in to see what this clairvoyant could tell her about her future. I wasn't allowed to go in with her and when she told me about his sleazy psychic reading it became clear why this creep prefers to meet his female clients alone.
There are a few palm readers and clairvoyant who work out of Camden markets, this particular one can be found next to the quirky but amazing tea room in the basement and while I didn't visit this psychic myself, I waited outside while my friend did and heard the full account of her bizarre reading while it was fresh in here memory when she left, she also gave me a copy of her notes which she scribbled down during the session.
My friend spotted the clairvoyant's sign while we were sat in the tea room, it read "Franklin Original Red Indian" and sells him as a "psychic, clairvoyant, spiritual healer and masseur." So, after we finished our coffee, we wandered over and my friend introduced herself to the psychic.
My friend was instantly taken in by his look. He was a shortish, older man of South American origin, apparently from the Cuna Tribe. He claims to have over 30 years experience using the hereditary gifts handed down to him by his Indian fore-parents, employing the art of numerology, karmic astrology and the tarot.
He really looked the part, kind of like a red Indian. His work area was equally well suited to the art of fortune telling. The enclosed stall, a former horse stable, was dressed in vividly coloured Indian cloth with mystic designs and burning incense. The stall was sparse, furnished with just a table with a chair on either side.
My friend walked up to the stall and he greeted her, "oh come in, I was just thinking about shutting up and going home for the day." Really? Didn't he know another customer was on her way? I mean he should have. She walked in and before I could say anything, he slid the huge wooden stable door closed in my face, sealing me out and her inside.
As well as psychic readings he offers spiritual healing and massage. The sign on his stall boasts how he can use the power of "numerology, karmic astrology and tarot" to delve into aspects of your life including business, marriage, health and love. He even makes the bold claim the he can diagnose health conditions.
With those impressive claims in mind, my friend took a seat and the psychic asked his first question, "when did you last have sex?" Yeah, really. OK, maybe it wasn't his first question but it didn't take him long to get on to that topic.
The first thing that struck my friend as she sat at his table was the dirty, mouldy cards he was using. She said they looked damp and like they'd been rained on but the cards were actually old. He used two sets, one was a deck of tarot cards and the other had signs of the zodiac on them. They were apparently a family set, handed down to him by his parents.
To begin the reading he asked for a photo of my friend, of course she didn't have one on her so he asked if she had a photo on her phone. She got her phone from her pocket, found a suitable photo and lay her phone flat on the table. He then pulled out a magical magnet, attached to a keyring and proceeded to wave it over the photo, presumably to draw in energy from the image. My friend had to occasionally unlock the phone after the screen saver repeatedly came on.
After some introductory questions he soon got on to the topic of sex, opening with the question "when did you last have sex?" He followed this up with "did you use contraception?" If my friend had said "no" to the contraception query then I'm guessing next he would have told her that he sees a baby in her future, probably about nine months from now.
My friend said he then told her that she needed to distance herself from her ex boyfriend. I was quite impressed that he could know about he troublesome ex and I asked her, "oh, so he knew you're ex is bothering you at the moment?" She said, "no, I told him." Not quite so impressive.
It turns out that this ex of hers wasn't the only man she needed to be wary of, the other man he warned her about was much more sinister, "an old black man" who happens to be dead. According to the psychic this spirit was entering her room at night and having his wicked way with her. That's right, ghost rape. At this point she started to feel a little uncomfortable, especially as she was sat alone in a room, sitting across the table from an old black man who had already shown an interest in her sex life.
He next asked her if she ever feels like someone has had sex with her when she wakes up in the morning and warned that this unwanted attention is a very bad thing for her. He gave her an example to illustrate the severity of her situation, "if I reached across the table now and started to unbutton your blouse what would you do? I mean, I'd probably enjoy it, but you'd stop me... and you need to stop this spirit too."
Apparently her ghostly bedroom intruder isn't uncommon, in fact, according to the psychic a number of female celebrities have also suffered form ghostly groping, mostly notably Pamela Anderson, Kylie Minogue and "do you remember the Chinese one from Charlie's Angels?" Yeah, her too. You see, according to the psychic, when a perverted man ghost enjoys good sex with a sleeping lady he comes back for more and eventually becomes attached to her. This is a drain on her energies and is the reason why Kylie can't hold down a successful relationship.
But what are these energies? Well, the psychic had some handy diagrams to help explain. He pulled out a few sheets of laminated paper, each of which had a water colour painting of a naked women on it. Over the women's bodies he handily drawn on the areas where a woman's energy is focussed. The key areas were the brain/head, the left nipple, the right nipple and the lower lady area. If I was putting together this diagram, I would have labeled it first, second and third base.
Over the vaginal region, the psychic had illustrated the powers contained within. The area was marked with a red triangle and within it were symbols like a half moons and a hearts. I did ask her if she saw any signs of ectoplasm splashed over the paintings, but apparently they were clean.
Luckily, his understanding of these mystical body energies did mean he was able to offer some advice to stop these nocturnal attacks and the solution is pretty simple. He told her, "you need to wear red knickers when you sleep at night," apparently wearing red undies will trick the ghost into thinking that it's "that" time of the month and therefor he won't be interested.
He did say though, "if you prefer to sleep naked... do you prefer to sleep naked? You can wear a special necklace." It can't be any necklace though, it needs to include custom-made jewellery which means it could be a little expensive to get hold of but if she can't afford the necklace then there is a cheaper option and that's to tie a shoelace around your midriff. Now, if you're struggling to imagine what that might look like, don't worry because I can tell you in detail from my friend's description due to the fact that the image has been burnt into her memory after the psychic lifted his shirt halfway through the reading to show her his protective shoelace.
Yep, without any warning, this old, native Indian clairvoyant lifted his shirt to expose his bare naked stomach and wrapped around his body was a shoelace. He demonstrated that if he feels a surge in negative energy then he just gives the string a little tug and its powers clear his body of this negativity. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Yes, but not when I explain to you that the shoelace has SEVEN knots in it. That's seven knots, no more, no less, seven is the key number of knots required to make your own protective shoelace. Understand now? Good.
So, that's her protected against future attacks but what about the traces of evil left inside of her during previous night time assaults? Well, there's a way to cleans your body... but it does involve more nudity, surprise surprise. It's pretty simple though, you just pour one cup of filter coffee into a large saucepan, fill it with water and heat. While you're waiting for it to the boil run yourself a bath, then when the coffee is ready strain it into the bath water. You then need to lie in the coffee bath for 20 minutes and recite a special chant which goes...
If that all sounds a bit complicated, don't worry, he wrote it all down for her. This is part of his actual note which he gave her at the end of the session.
The cost of visiting this particular psychic was £15 for quarter of an hour or £20 for half an hour. My friend opted for the half hour session but he ended up keeping her in the room for an hour and 15 minutes. How he managed to fill all of that time I don't know. She was completely unaware of how long she'd been with him but was it time wasted? Did she actually learn anything useful from him in that time?
Well, he told her that three men will come into her life this year, one will be rich and he should be avoided. The other two she needs to decide between but he did add that she should not be looking for love and instead focussing on finding someone to give her a child. She should have a child first and worry about love and life after. She took it all in good spirit, (get it?) she joked afterwards that she was surprised he didn't ask if she had any body piercings or what her favourite sexual position is.
I don't think he's the type of man who should be allowed to spend time alone in a room with women, and funnily enough it came up in conversation that he never sees men, he said it's "more of a women's thing." Most of the things he talked about were massively inappropriate. I pointed out to my friend the fact that he also claims to be a masseuse and she said the thought of getting a massage from him genuinely made her feel sick.
She did take a lot of his claims seriously though, even down to the "red panties." Thankfully she didn't take him seriously enough to wear them to bed but she did put a pair in the kitchen window at the back of the house because apparently the psychic told her that sometimes, late at night, the spirit likes to come in her backdoor.